2011...what a year.
This has truly been one of the most difficult and life altering years for me by far. Both of my grandmother's passed away at the start of it and that was tough enough as it is. I have not experienced death in my adulthood so it hit me like a ton of bricks and the loss I felt what unimaginable. My dad's mom, Yiayia, had been sick for a few years and living with my aunt since then so it was not as shocking when she passed since we knew it was coming at some point. However, my mom's mom, Nanny, got diagnosed with stomach cancer and went completely downhill within a month's time. Within 2 weeks of entering the hospital, she passed away. I had just started a new job in the midst of all of this that I had been waiting to get and start for about 2 months so the timing was just horrible. I was with my Nanny almost every day of the 10 days that she was in the hospital and would go after work to visit her. It was really tough trying to get acquainted with my new job and care for my sick grandmother at the same time. I had never experienced taking care of someone so sick or dieing especially a family member and I still feel like I should have done more. I regret not spending more time with my Nanny and not knowing that she was sick until it was too late. I know I did all that I could for her and to be there when she needed me but I still feel remorse in my heart.
This year has been extremely tough and I am hopeful I will be a stronger person in due time because of it.
To add to all that loss, I broke up with my boyfriend of over 6 years as well since I was not happy and getting anywhere I wanted to be with him. There was no talk of marriage, children, getting a home, nothing. It was very hard for me to decide and been even harder to cope with since making the decision. I have felt so lonely and sad that I cry almost everyday and I am living alone for the first time in my life which has been a struggle. I wanted to marry him and had so many dreams of our future together but when I stopped and took a long, hard look at us in the present I knew that we were not heading there in any way and I had to choose. It has been difficult not only losing a lover but a best friend whom I lived with for 5 years and since we don't speak anymore it makes it all the more real. As sad as I get, I am confident that I am growing and learning to cope with loss in my life so that as I get older I will look at back and figure out how to handle it better.
I am looking forward to 2012 and am starting it off with a fabulous trip to Thailand and Bali to visit my good friend who is living over there and working this year teaching English as a foreign language. I am beyond nervous and excited to take this trip since I have not been out of the country in years and especially not across the world. I have made many excuses for not traveling in the past and one of them being tied down to someone who didn't want to leave this country so this is my treat to a new and happier year.
I am ready to take this trip overseas and start a new chapter in my life where I let go of fear and embrace change and new experiences to help me grow as a person. I hope 2012 is better than 2011 and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it is by living my life to its fullest!
