It has been one of those days where I have not been quite so busy that I have had time to think and with thinking, at least in my mind, comes trouble. I feel like so many things come in waves lately just like a rushing, ground stomping wave that you cannot control the length or how hard it hits you. I have found that I get feelings and waves of emotions out of nowhere and sometimes begin to cry because of the rush of emotions that have hit me oh so fast. I just pull my sunglasses down closer to my face and hide the tears so that I do not have to explain myself or how I began to feel so much sadness, guilt, and pity. I just ride the wave until it passes by, or until the next one comes at least.
Today I was shopping with my mom and even though we live in different states and never get to go shopping together she was not having a good time and decided to complain about it. We had been walking in and out of stores for about an hour and had sat down to a late breakfast during that time as well. I did not think we were walking a crazy amount or that it was too much for her and she is not a very old or out of shape woman might I add. Instead of stating that she was tired and her feet hurt and that she would like to sit down she just decided to explode and get angry. It initially upset me, as it always does, because she can think quite irrationally at times and not be understanding with me. I have always had this image of my mother just comforting me, soothing me, and making me feel like everything will be okay but usually that image is drowned out by the reality that she will always be cold, un-motherly, and just worried about herself. I fear that I have taken on some of those characteristics myself since I have been cold and selfish at times but feel as though I am more warm-hearted and nurturing than that. I had to fight back the tears and tried to explain to her that I just wanted to spend time with her and figured this was a good way of doing so. She had bought me a few things since we have not gone shopping together in a while and will not be together for my birthday or Christmas and will not see her again until the new year for that matter. She decided to use that against me and that I only want to shop and get things as long as it is bought for me and I would just keep going all day. I explained that is not the case and I did not ask her to buy me anything but just thought it was a nice gesture and she did not have to buy me anything else. Well that still did not satisfy her and she was not happy so I sat her down on a bench to relax a bit while I walked around some more. I came back to get her and she stated that she wanted to go back to the car and go home so that is what we did. I am sick of feeling like her mom.
I have always tried to spend time with my mom since I was a little girl whether it be by shopping, going out to eat, watching movies or tv, etc. and she has always had a problem with it. I guess I have to face the fact that my mother is more of a loner and bothered by spending time with people than without. She complains and then wants to go off by herself by the end of it and be alone because it has been too much on her to be around people all day. I get it and sometimes I feel the same way but for the most part I like being around others and spending time with people makes me happy. That is a the big difference between us. I am learning that I can't change people and can only change how I react to them and situations and control my emotions.
I miss a lot of things in my life that will never change or never be what they once were or ever will be.
I miss my family and friends so much nowadays. I miss having family functions and both my grandmothers (or any grandparents for that matter) around to put in their wise words and just enjoy each others company. I miss my friends who I used to have a tight circle with and do so much with but we barely speak on the phone or in e-mail each week. Two of them are in other countries and the others that are actually here are too involved with their own lives that its difficult for them to reach out to anyone who is not in their circle. I miss my ex-boyfriend of 6 years who I just broke up with about 2 months ago. I miss him because he was my best friend and partner for a good amount of my life. I miss his family because although they weren't perfect and completely happy, they were a tight knit and almost as normal as you will ever get kind of family. I miss having them to go over their house, have talks about whatever, and have family dinner every night. It was just a sense of stability and normalcy that I didn't have growing up and I miss that a lot. His parents were always very nice and respectful towards me and never judged or criticized me but I feel like I had a lot to say about them at times, never to them of course. I feel remorse and guilt for things that I have said, done, and the way everything ended. I find myself thinking about him most days and wanting to call him but know that I cannot because he doesn't want to speak to me and what good will it do anyway. I find that I'm blaming myself for letting him go and initially creating this path that I am trying to stay on right now when I feel like completely diving off it. I try to listen to my friends, family, and my own mind of the truth and that this is what is right and needed to happen but my heart ache just overcomes that most of the time and I am stuck with the pain. I knew this would happen eventually and just wanted us to remain friends even though that is not very realistic. I am mainly saddened that I lost a good friend and am now all alone with maybe 2 good friends which is better than none I suppose. I know that I am blessed beyond belief and don't need someone in my life to make me happy or feel complete but when you lose the one you love and feel like you are at rock bottom when do you ever feel like you will rise again.
Like a wave, these thoughts and feelings curl over and under me and drown me every single day where I cannot even think of the sunlight that may appear so that I can see clearly again.
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