Friendships sailing in the night. It’s interesting how our friendships evolve. One day we’re happy go lucky sailing along with our friends whom we have fun with then someday those friends turn into family and things get serious and others just move along never to be seen again. Most of my friends have always been like family since I have a small and dysfunctional biological family. I have always put so much time, thought and effort into my friendships and want the same in return. My friendships have changed a lot over the years with some being great old friends to others being long gone and forgotten. I’ll always treat my close friends like family but it’ll be interesting starting my own little family in the next year and how that changes things. I hope to grow my community even bigger and better and have this amazingly huge extended family of friends to support each other!
Thursday, July 28, 2022
Sunday, July 17, 2022
Sleep
Sleep is a magical thing when you get it. I’ve always had sleep problems since I was a little girl. I would run into my moms room any chance I could get and sleep with her even though she would yell at me and not comfort me. It still helped to be near someone. I used to wake up when I was maybe 6 years old and see shadows on my closet from the window and trees and that would terrify me. I had such a hard time sleeping throughout my childhood that I would have to watch the same movies to go to sleep each night before midnight and be able to get up and function in the morning for school. I later learned this was related to anxiety. I started taking sleep medications from my mom since she had the same issue although she never helped me with it besides giving me pills. I suppose she didn’t know how to handle it herself. I went to college and took over the counter sleep aids that it would make me all groggy and have a hard time waking up that it affected me going to class. I used marijuana to help me sleep because besides the pills which I hated taking it was the only thing that worked so i used that more and more. This continued for years and years taking prescription sleep aids and smoking and always having a hard time with sleep & getting up for work. I think what finally helped was end of 2018 after an incredibly hard year I took a new job that allowed me to work 2nd shift. I worked 11:30-8pm and it was a god send. I didn’t have to worry about getting to bed by a certain time to get up at a certain time and could just wake up naturally then go workout and get ready for work. It was a dream schedule for me. It helped me stop taking sleep medications pretty much altogether and just use melatonin which never used to work for me. Now I work a normal 8-5 job most days and get up even earlier and get to bed by 10pm each night. I still use melatonin most nights and of course anxiety meds but my life is pretty stable nowadays although I still struggle at times. I ask people daily for work how they sleep and try to offer suggestions for poor sleep patterns. Sleep is so important and I really try to make sure I sleep well most nights so I can function even better.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
2011
2011...what a year.
This has truly been one of the most difficult and life altering years for me by far. Both of my grandmother's passed away at the start of it and that was tough enough as it is. I have not experienced death in my adulthood so it hit me like a ton of bricks and the loss I felt what unimaginable. My dad's mom, Yiayia, had been sick for a few years and living with my aunt since then so it was not as shocking when she passed since we knew it was coming at some point. However, my mom's mom, Nanny, got diagnosed with stomach cancer and went completely downhill within a month's time. Within 2 weeks of entering the hospital, she passed away. I had just started a new job in the midst of all of this that I had been waiting to get and start for about 2 months so the timing was just horrible. I was with my Nanny almost every day of the 10 days that she was in the hospital and would go after work to visit her. It was really tough trying to get acquainted with my new job and care for my sick grandmother at the same time. I had never experienced taking care of someone so sick or dieing especially a family member and I still feel like I should have done more. I regret not spending more time with my Nanny and not knowing that she was sick until it was too late. I know I did all that I could for her and to be there when she needed me but I still feel remorse in my heart.
This year has been extremely tough and I am hopeful I will be a stronger person in due time because of it.
To add to all that loss, I broke up with my boyfriend of over 6 years as well since I was not happy and getting anywhere I wanted to be with him. There was no talk of marriage, children, getting a home, nothing. It was very hard for me to decide and been even harder to cope with since making the decision. I have felt so lonely and sad that I cry almost everyday and I am living alone for the first time in my life which has been a struggle. I wanted to marry him and had so many dreams of our future together but when I stopped and took a long, hard look at us in the present I knew that we were not heading there in any way and I had to choose. It has been difficult not only losing a lover but a best friend whom I lived with for 5 years and since we don't speak anymore it makes it all the more real. As sad as I get, I am confident that I am growing and learning to cope with loss in my life so that as I get older I will look at back and figure out how to handle it better.
I am looking forward to 2012 and am starting it off with a fabulous trip to Thailand and Bali to visit my good friend who is living over there and working this year teaching English as a foreign language. I am beyond nervous and excited to take this trip since I have not been out of the country in years and especially not across the world. I have made many excuses for not traveling in the past and one of them being tied down to someone who didn't want to leave this country so this is my treat to a new and happier year.
I am ready to take this trip overseas and start a new chapter in my life where I let go of fear and embrace change and new experiences to help me grow as a person. I hope 2012 is better than 2011 and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it is by living my life to its fullest!
This has truly been one of the most difficult and life altering years for me by far. Both of my grandmother's passed away at the start of it and that was tough enough as it is. I have not experienced death in my adulthood so it hit me like a ton of bricks and the loss I felt what unimaginable. My dad's mom, Yiayia, had been sick for a few years and living with my aunt since then so it was not as shocking when she passed since we knew it was coming at some point. However, my mom's mom, Nanny, got diagnosed with stomach cancer and went completely downhill within a month's time. Within 2 weeks of entering the hospital, she passed away. I had just started a new job in the midst of all of this that I had been waiting to get and start for about 2 months so the timing was just horrible. I was with my Nanny almost every day of the 10 days that she was in the hospital and would go after work to visit her. It was really tough trying to get acquainted with my new job and care for my sick grandmother at the same time. I had never experienced taking care of someone so sick or dieing especially a family member and I still feel like I should have done more. I regret not spending more time with my Nanny and not knowing that she was sick until it was too late. I know I did all that I could for her and to be there when she needed me but I still feel remorse in my heart.
This year has been extremely tough and I am hopeful I will be a stronger person in due time because of it.
To add to all that loss, I broke up with my boyfriend of over 6 years as well since I was not happy and getting anywhere I wanted to be with him. There was no talk of marriage, children, getting a home, nothing. It was very hard for me to decide and been even harder to cope with since making the decision. I have felt so lonely and sad that I cry almost everyday and I am living alone for the first time in my life which has been a struggle. I wanted to marry him and had so many dreams of our future together but when I stopped and took a long, hard look at us in the present I knew that we were not heading there in any way and I had to choose. It has been difficult not only losing a lover but a best friend whom I lived with for 5 years and since we don't speak anymore it makes it all the more real. As sad as I get, I am confident that I am growing and learning to cope with loss in my life so that as I get older I will look at back and figure out how to handle it better.
I am looking forward to 2012 and am starting it off with a fabulous trip to Thailand and Bali to visit my good friend who is living over there and working this year teaching English as a foreign language. I am beyond nervous and excited to take this trip since I have not been out of the country in years and especially not across the world. I have made many excuses for not traveling in the past and one of them being tied down to someone who didn't want to leave this country so this is my treat to a new and happier year.
I am ready to take this trip overseas and start a new chapter in my life where I let go of fear and embrace change and new experiences to help me grow as a person. I hope 2012 is better than 2011 and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it is by living my life to its fullest!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
why do things come in waves?
It has been one of those days where I have not been quite so busy that I have had time to think and with thinking, at least in my mind, comes trouble. I feel like so many things come in waves lately just like a rushing, ground stomping wave that you cannot control the length or how hard it hits you. I have found that I get feelings and waves of emotions out of nowhere and sometimes begin to cry because of the rush of emotions that have hit me oh so fast. I just pull my sunglasses down closer to my face and hide the tears so that I do not have to explain myself or how I began to feel so much sadness, guilt, and pity. I just ride the wave until it passes by, or until the next one comes at least.
Today I was shopping with my mom and even though we live in different states and never get to go shopping together she was not having a good time and decided to complain about it. We had been walking in and out of stores for about an hour and had sat down to a late breakfast during that time as well. I did not think we were walking a crazy amount or that it was too much for her and she is not a very old or out of shape woman might I add. Instead of stating that she was tired and her feet hurt and that she would like to sit down she just decided to explode and get angry. It initially upset me, as it always does, because she can think quite irrationally at times and not be understanding with me. I have always had this image of my mother just comforting me, soothing me, and making me feel like everything will be okay but usually that image is drowned out by the reality that she will always be cold, un-motherly, and just worried about herself. I fear that I have taken on some of those characteristics myself since I have been cold and selfish at times but feel as though I am more warm-hearted and nurturing than that. I had to fight back the tears and tried to explain to her that I just wanted to spend time with her and figured this was a good way of doing so. She had bought me a few things since we have not gone shopping together in a while and will not be together for my birthday or Christmas and will not see her again until the new year for that matter. She decided to use that against me and that I only want to shop and get things as long as it is bought for me and I would just keep going all day. I explained that is not the case and I did not ask her to buy me anything but just thought it was a nice gesture and she did not have to buy me anything else. Well that still did not satisfy her and she was not happy so I sat her down on a bench to relax a bit while I walked around some more. I came back to get her and she stated that she wanted to go back to the car and go home so that is what we did. I am sick of feeling like her mom.
I have always tried to spend time with my mom since I was a little girl whether it be by shopping, going out to eat, watching movies or tv, etc. and she has always had a problem with it. I guess I have to face the fact that my mother is more of a loner and bothered by spending time with people than without. She complains and then wants to go off by herself by the end of it and be alone because it has been too much on her to be around people all day. I get it and sometimes I feel the same way but for the most part I like being around others and spending time with people makes me happy. That is a the big difference between us. I am learning that I can't change people and can only change how I react to them and situations and control my emotions.
I miss a lot of things in my life that will never change or never be what they once were or ever will be.
I miss my family and friends so much nowadays. I miss having family functions and both my grandmothers (or any grandparents for that matter) around to put in their wise words and just enjoy each others company. I miss my friends who I used to have a tight circle with and do so much with but we barely speak on the phone or in e-mail each week. Two of them are in other countries and the others that are actually here are too involved with their own lives that its difficult for them to reach out to anyone who is not in their circle. I miss my ex-boyfriend of 6 years who I just broke up with about 2 months ago. I miss him because he was my best friend and partner for a good amount of my life. I miss his family because although they weren't perfect and completely happy, they were a tight knit and almost as normal as you will ever get kind of family. I miss having them to go over their house, have talks about whatever, and have family dinner every night. It was just a sense of stability and normalcy that I didn't have growing up and I miss that a lot. His parents were always very nice and respectful towards me and never judged or criticized me but I feel like I had a lot to say about them at times, never to them of course. I feel remorse and guilt for things that I have said, done, and the way everything ended. I find myself thinking about him most days and wanting to call him but know that I cannot because he doesn't want to speak to me and what good will it do anyway. I find that I'm blaming myself for letting him go and initially creating this path that I am trying to stay on right now when I feel like completely diving off it. I try to listen to my friends, family, and my own mind of the truth and that this is what is right and needed to happen but my heart ache just overcomes that most of the time and I am stuck with the pain. I knew this would happen eventually and just wanted us to remain friends even though that is not very realistic. I am mainly saddened that I lost a good friend and am now all alone with maybe 2 good friends which is better than none I suppose. I know that I am blessed beyond belief and don't need someone in my life to make me happy or feel complete but when you lose the one you love and feel like you are at rock bottom when do you ever feel like you will rise again.
Like a wave, these thoughts and feelings curl over and under me and drown me every single day where I cannot even think of the sunlight that may appear so that I can see clearly again.
Today I was shopping with my mom and even though we live in different states and never get to go shopping together she was not having a good time and decided to complain about it. We had been walking in and out of stores for about an hour and had sat down to a late breakfast during that time as well. I did not think we were walking a crazy amount or that it was too much for her and she is not a very old or out of shape woman might I add. Instead of stating that she was tired and her feet hurt and that she would like to sit down she just decided to explode and get angry. It initially upset me, as it always does, because she can think quite irrationally at times and not be understanding with me. I have always had this image of my mother just comforting me, soothing me, and making me feel like everything will be okay but usually that image is drowned out by the reality that she will always be cold, un-motherly, and just worried about herself. I fear that I have taken on some of those characteristics myself since I have been cold and selfish at times but feel as though I am more warm-hearted and nurturing than that. I had to fight back the tears and tried to explain to her that I just wanted to spend time with her and figured this was a good way of doing so. She had bought me a few things since we have not gone shopping together in a while and will not be together for my birthday or Christmas and will not see her again until the new year for that matter. She decided to use that against me and that I only want to shop and get things as long as it is bought for me and I would just keep going all day. I explained that is not the case and I did not ask her to buy me anything but just thought it was a nice gesture and she did not have to buy me anything else. Well that still did not satisfy her and she was not happy so I sat her down on a bench to relax a bit while I walked around some more. I came back to get her and she stated that she wanted to go back to the car and go home so that is what we did. I am sick of feeling like her mom.
I have always tried to spend time with my mom since I was a little girl whether it be by shopping, going out to eat, watching movies or tv, etc. and she has always had a problem with it. I guess I have to face the fact that my mother is more of a loner and bothered by spending time with people than without. She complains and then wants to go off by herself by the end of it and be alone because it has been too much on her to be around people all day. I get it and sometimes I feel the same way but for the most part I like being around others and spending time with people makes me happy. That is a the big difference between us. I am learning that I can't change people and can only change how I react to them and situations and control my emotions.
I miss a lot of things in my life that will never change or never be what they once were or ever will be.
I miss my family and friends so much nowadays. I miss having family functions and both my grandmothers (or any grandparents for that matter) around to put in their wise words and just enjoy each others company. I miss my friends who I used to have a tight circle with and do so much with but we barely speak on the phone or in e-mail each week. Two of them are in other countries and the others that are actually here are too involved with their own lives that its difficult for them to reach out to anyone who is not in their circle. I miss my ex-boyfriend of 6 years who I just broke up with about 2 months ago. I miss him because he was my best friend and partner for a good amount of my life. I miss his family because although they weren't perfect and completely happy, they were a tight knit and almost as normal as you will ever get kind of family. I miss having them to go over their house, have talks about whatever, and have family dinner every night. It was just a sense of stability and normalcy that I didn't have growing up and I miss that a lot. His parents were always very nice and respectful towards me and never judged or criticized me but I feel like I had a lot to say about them at times, never to them of course. I feel remorse and guilt for things that I have said, done, and the way everything ended. I find myself thinking about him most days and wanting to call him but know that I cannot because he doesn't want to speak to me and what good will it do anyway. I find that I'm blaming myself for letting him go and initially creating this path that I am trying to stay on right now when I feel like completely diving off it. I try to listen to my friends, family, and my own mind of the truth and that this is what is right and needed to happen but my heart ache just overcomes that most of the time and I am stuck with the pain. I knew this would happen eventually and just wanted us to remain friends even though that is not very realistic. I am mainly saddened that I lost a good friend and am now all alone with maybe 2 good friends which is better than none I suppose. I know that I am blessed beyond belief and don't need someone in my life to make me happy or feel complete but when you lose the one you love and feel like you are at rock bottom when do you ever feel like you will rise again.
Like a wave, these thoughts and feelings curl over and under me and drown me every single day where I cannot even think of the sunlight that may appear so that I can see clearly again.
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